”Nobody put´s Baby in a corner.” Do you remember that sentence when the amazing Patrick Swayze went over to the goddess Jennifer Grey? That is the first thing that came to my mind when I sat down to write this today. I need to do this.
I thought a long time why all the words that came up in my mind were in English and why I felt that I didn´t want to write this in Swedish. It is because I can distance myself from it a little bit otherwise I wouldn´t be able to write them today. It is easier for me to express my feelings in English even though it is hard for me to even understand them at this point.
I´m sitting at a coffee shop and the rain is pouring down meanwhile the sun is shining bright. Almost everyone here is sitting alone. Two men are working, some are drinking coffee, a couple of girls are studying. Two old ladies are buying sandwiches and tea. A family is having cakes with their kids; they look annoyed and the parents aren´t taking to each other. I wonder why. What went wrong? I find myself looking at them for a long time. Then my eyes go to the guy next to me. He has a big suitcase and he´s browsing his phone; laughing by himself. He looks relaxed. I guess he´s has visited someone and now he´s heading home. Or maybe not. So many people are passing my window. They are carrying big bags with grocery’s and wine. It´s Saturday today so I guess they are making dinner, having wine or going out. Some of the people walk by with their dogs, others are alone. I wonder why. I feel for them or I feel with them or both. What could have went wrong in their lives that they are walking alone? Or maybe they are just like me. Maybe they have a lot of people around them who loves them; who they love back and just needed some time alone. I truly hope that.
I did and I do spend a lot of time helping people in need. People that cannot talk and stand up for themselves; like you and me. Young people that need guidance in their lives. That do not have the privilege to have an adult in their live. I often wish I had a big house so that all kids who are in “trouble or need” could come and live with me and my family. I do want to help them, guide them and show them that they can be happy and proud of themselves and do whatever they want. That they are not the product of what their parents or other people (mostly adults) are saying around them. Home, in school or anywhere. They can choose another path. They just need help. Like I did.
Writing this down is so hard for me because when I see the letters, I see the truth. The truth that I cannot bare alone anymore. I do not want to put the lid on my feelings. I have done that all my life.
I have been a strong kid (for others). To get away from my feelings I did foolish things when I was young. I was told that I didn´t have to bother doing my homework cause my sister had the brains and I was made for work. So, I didn’t study. Later, I stood up and I worked, I always did what was expected of me, and better. I took care of my mom. I took care of my father.
I climbed up to the top in all the companies I was working in; I did it fast and I made a lot of money. Everyone was impressed and it felt good. Work hard. Party. And help my family. As I am writing my tears are falling. I can not stop them anymore and I do not want to. I welcome them. Nobody knew (because I didn’t say anything) and I am a master of hiding my feelings. It has been a survival behavior. Just put the lid on and not look back. No wonder I have trusting issues. I am stabile. Trust me, I am a rock. I say and I am. But who do I trust?
My life went on and I met the right guy. I had a big wedding and we invited everyone. I did everything that was expected of me with a smile on my face. I got pregnant and something happened to me when giving birth to Edvin. I thought I would just move on like I lived before but how could I. In the exact moment he was put in my arms I felt a love so big. I loved him so unbelievable much from the first second; so much that it hurt. I didn´t know a love like this existed. From that day I called him my angel heart because that is what he truly was and still is. I promised myself that NO ONE is going to be able to hurt him at least while I`m still around.
I tried to keep the relationships I had with my family but when I look back at it today, I guess I couldn´t. I put the lid on there too. So much anger, so much sadness. I took all my strength and I focused it on my baby boy. I wanted to give him everything. I also got pregnant to give him a brother or a sister. Yes, it´s true. When I got pregnant again I really didn´t think that I could love the miracle that was growing in my stomach as much as I loved Edvin. I felt so ashamed and bad. I didn´t tell anyone. The day Albin was born was the first day I left Edvin with my mom and my mother in law. He was 1 ½ years old. I never left my kids until they could talk. I wanted them to decide for themselves whether they wanted to go somewhere or not. I wanted them to be able to speak and I wanted them to tell me if something was wrong or if they felt uncomfortable.
The day Albin was born I laughed. I was in such pain, but I did laugh myself all through the hours of giving birth. When this little boy came out, I looked at him and he was my angel sunshine; this is what I call him. I think all my feelings I had built up; afraid of not being able to love Albin as much as I love Edvin, they just released. And I did love him at once. I so did! I loved him exactly as much as I love Edvin, just in a different way. I couldn’t believe that a heart could have space for so much love. Where did it all fit? And where was all the love before? I felt my life was complete. What else could I ask for.
I did try to give them everything I didn´t have. I still do. I must have read all the books in the world that was about children growing up and psychology – to try to understand myself and to be the perfect parent. I talked to a professional because I read that sometimes people who have been abused as children abuse their kids as well; sometimes unconsciously. I knew in my heart I could never hurt them; that I know of, but I was afraid of myself. I didn´t trust myself 100% when it came to my children in the beginning. I did not trust my husband neither.
Am I oversensitive when it comes to my kids still? Yes, I am. Do I curl them? Yes, I do. Do I treat them as Kings? Yes, I DO! I think why not? A lot of people have opinions of this. This is not for me to think about. I do that because I CAN. Because I choose and because I want to.
They are brought up to not be greedy and to empathize with people around them. Always help if they can. Always think about themselves. Always believe that they are good enough. Always treat women as equals. Not better not less. They have been a lot around the world, and we travel a lot for them to learn about other people and cultures. To understand how privileged we are and what we can use our money for. Good things. They´ve been brought up to stand up for themselves and others that can not do it for themselves.
They have always decided everything by themselves in their lives with guidance from home. Will they grow up not being able to take care of themselves because I have always been there? NO! They will manage just fine. Yes, I am raising them like this because of my childhood. I love it. If I didn’t have the childhood I did I would have raised them otherwise and that is the way life is. And I accept that. I accept myself. And I know that I am good enough. There are things that´s happening in our lives that we can not always control. What we can do is make something good with it and give something back to others.
To be clear, I am not expecting them to “give back” anything to me; nor that they somehow “owe” me anything because I gave birth to them, give them roof over their heads, food, money, love. How could I? I decided to give birth to them. I love doing this for them. Now I´m doing my best until they choose their paths in life. And even then, I WILL BE HERE. I am never going away if I can choose it. I have raised them to not feel obligated to call someone (me as well) or do anything that they do not want to.
They are the most amazing kids. For real. They always make me laugh. I do not pour my love over them in an unhealthy way. No one has died from too much healthy love. My kids are teenagers and their priority isn´t me; it´s them. And this is good. It is how it is supposed to be, and I am so grateful for that. Do they treat me like a Queen when they feel like it, and they see that I need it? YES, THEY DO!
Where does all this come from you may wonder (I sometimes ((or as always)) get away from the subject and ask myself the same question😊). Bear with me if you stayed this long. I´m getting there.
Something happened in my family this week that made me totally unbalanced. I thought I had put it behind me by putting the lid on (I not before this week realized that I put the lid on). I literary didn’t know what to do with my feelings for two days so I didn´t talk to anyone. I am so good at that. You have no idea. Just cut off and don´t feel anything cause my feelings are to much even for me to handle. I am that little girl again. Something happened to me as a 10- or 11-year-old girl and after that I HAVE LIVED EVERY SINGLE CHILDHOOD DAY OF MY LIFE IN FEAR.
I did not talk to anyone as a child because I was sure it was my fault. I was ashamed. And I said to myself that it wasn’t so BIG, a lot of children have been through so much worse things. I put the lid on, and I tried to live with this. To be strong. To help everyone else. To give love, to give, to give, to give. Now I am here. I have taken professional help with this because I can not do this by myself. I am so mad!!! And I´m sad. There are so many feelings going around in my head and heart and mind and I need help with sorting them out.
Something I am sure about is that in this, by sorting my feelings up, I can find of peace, finally. It´s like my therapist told me. This could be a symbol for me. I am so thankful that I have her. I GOT THIS! WE got this together.
The little girl that lives inside of the strong goddess that I am; so convulsively protected through all this time; needs to come out. She needs peace. I need peace. I need to get mad, I need to cry, to be sad. I have protected her for such a long time that I can not do it by myself anymore. Therefore, I need help. I need someone else to also stand up for her, for me. I need to put my guard down. I am so afraid of getting hurt again that I do not let anyone truly inside my heart. I need to open my heart, I mean truly let people in again.
Literary almost everyone I meet is so kind. I am so grateful for all of you. I get so happy, and I appreciate, and I love you when you are yourselves with me. It gives me so much positive energy. Yes, it is all of you I am talking about that are around me every day. You matter. And you that approach me that I don´t know; that wants to say something. Don’t stop coming. Talk to me. Text me. I love you, and I HAVE time for YOU.
Don’t misunderstand me. I LOVE LIFE. I love MY life. I love that I am doing exactly what I want. I love being free and I love to smile and laugh. I love when I can make someone else smile. I don’t know exactly how to explain this. This week all kind of feelings came over me and I couldn’t talk anymore. I truly couldn’t speak. I was talking on the phone. All my body was acing to scream; to be mad; to cry; to be sad.
I heard twice (in two days) that what happened to me as a child was talked about. I couldn’t believe it. I´m still not sure that I do exactly. Things are so unfair a lot of the times and we must live with some things, some things we don’t have to accept. I felt all these feelings and I just wanted to shout out: WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME! Tell them to SHUT UP! Don’t let me go through this alone. Again.
How can anyone know anything about anyone, for real? How could I know what people in the coffee shop are here for? The guy that I thought was here on a visit talked to me. He was just passing through on his way to his birth country. So, I was wrong. Or the people passing my window? My point is that what happened to me is not even up for discussion! I know the truth. This is enough and even too much. The words: “I believe you.” I am not sure how to cope with that. Is it someone trying to tell me that they do believe me or trying to convince themselves? Therefore, I took a step back. I need to sort my feelings out. I don’t want to put my sadness, my anger of the whole situation where it maybe does not belong. I don’t want to doubt myself. I didn’t put a lid on my feelings this time. I am living them. I am feeling them and it´s so though! But I am ALIVE! And at the same time, I feel stronger than ever! And more alive and happier than ever! Does that make sense?
For the first time I´m not closing my eyes. I am SO NOT ASHAMED anymore! I am PROUD of the women I am. I am going around with them wide open. I welcome my anger, my sadness, my weakness, my strength. I welcome everything about me! I see the beauty. I LOVE HER. I LOVE MYSELF. I see the light everywhere and it´s shining so bright. Today I´m certain it´s shining some extra for me. I welcome all the feelings that I feel, and I am amazed, truly amazed by how strong I feel and how I am sure that what I am doing is the right thing. I have NO doubts whatsoever! Thank you Mekto. Thank you for being so strong. Thank you for being YOU! Thank you all of you beautiful souls that are around me in life, in my heart and in my mind.
Hear me; I am not going back editing anything in my words, my text; because they are written straight from my heart and soul and they speak the truth. I am standing straight up with a proud body, heart, soul and mind.
This is a tiny piece of my life. I hope that this somehow helps you as well, as writing is a way for me to let go. To release. If you as me put the lid on feelings I truly advise you to get help (does not have to be a professional) and talk. JUST TALKTALKTALK. This is the only way to let go and release. There is no way around it – the way is always straight through. You cannot shimmer it in diamonds. I´m learning, let yourself feel what you feel. That does not mean that you are not strong. That means that you are a human. And I am. I am vulnerable, I am fragile; I am SUPERWOMAN! And it is so never to late!
Forgiveness is also a big aspect in my life that I am working with right now. To forgive myself for not standing up for the little girl. To forgive myself for putting the lid on for all these years. To forgive people around me that do not know better. To forgive myself and accept that I do not know anything about how the future looks when it comes to my feelings. This is the only way I could survive until now. It was MY WAY.
That is why I wrote this. For MYSELF and for YOU. Because this baby is the truth. And nobody puts Baby in a corner – never, ever again.
SAT NAM all you beautiful souls out there!!! I LOVE YOU!!! <3